How in the world is my little girl 2 months old already? It’s officially true – it goes by really, really fast. I woke up this morning to more smiles than ever, a healthy and happy baby girl and I can say without hesitation that I have never loved anything more in my life. My little Sloane is truly a miracle. I try so hard to not be “that” mom that shows everyone pictures and videos of my child or talks 24/7 about pregnancy, birth, raising a baby, but…I am! I am THAT girl! Perhaps its because its all so new or so wonderful, I am not sure..but I am that girl. Oh well.
I wanted to use this post though, to not just talk about the bliss that is being a mom to my sweet Sloaney but to talk about the reality that has lead up to this bliss that I am now feeling. I have so many friends that are new moms (thank GOD for them) and so many friends that are about to embark on this journey so its only fair that I share the reality, the reality of my story anyway. I apologize ahead of time for any run on sentence or grammatical errors, I just want my thoughts to flow, so here it goes….
Being a mom is HARRRDDDDDDD. Especially at the beginning. Like, really, really hard. for me anyway. Not only from an emotional standpoint but also from a physical standpoint.
I always felt a deep connection with my daughter from the beginning but in the first few weeks at home, I struggled. I struggled big time. The “baby blues” I guess they call them, but I’m certain my experience was a combination of the baby blues and my world getting turned upside down. There is no amount of preparation that you gets your ready for this experience. Caring for an infant on zero sleep, being terrified you are doing it wrong, having 30 different opinions on how you should be feeding your child and lets not forget that your body just went through a major trauma and that shit HURTS! My gosh, I’ve never cried more than I did in Sloane’s first few weeks of life. The tears came flowing for anything and everything. Happy tears, sad, tears, overwhelmed tears, tired tears, complete melt down tears and hopeful tears….they did not STOP. I can’t tell you how many times I looked in the mirror and thought “who are you?” Someone who prided herself on having it all together, to put it mildly, I was a mess. I would put on a great front for visitors and most important for when I was caring for my baby girl as I didn’t want my tears to affect her in anyway (that’s how I was thinking) but deep down I was sad. I was scared and too many times in a day I felt like it was all too much.
Then there is the guilt. The guilt that comes in a million different forms too. Guilt that I wanted some semblance of my “prior” life, like a manicure or the freedom to just jump in the car and go to the grocery store. The guilt that I am not signing, reading, playing or attending to my new born as much as I should. Guilt that I am not paying enough attention to my husband or handling my responsibilities as a wife, sister, daughter, friend, like I used to. Guilt that in the middle of the night, when she was up for the 4th time that I truly and honestly thought “I don’t care.” So much damn guilt which equals more tears.
There were moments where I felt like I could do it, that I was doing it, and then in a flash breakdown. There were some dark moments.
But here I am, 2 months later, a survivor. A survivor of the tears, the hormones, the healing. Still in the thick of not knowing what the hell I am doing and the “guilt” exists in different ways now (like going back to work) but here is my story, a story that over the last few weeks I have become proud of. I am proud because I know my experience will help someone and the lessons that I have learned about myself in a short time have made me a stronger woman and a better mom.
So here it is mommies to be, here is my advice: It will pass. The bad moments will pass, the sadness will pass, the feeling of being out of control and so incredibly scared will subside. You will heal, both physically and mentally and you will figure out how to be you again while being a mom. You will figure out how to make your to-do list, get it done and have time for the singing, book & quality baby time. It will just happen. Lean on your family, your friends and know that most mom’s have felt these exact same things and that you are not alone.
Today I look at my smiley, strong little girl and know that its all worth it. I would do it all over again (ahhhhhhhhh) because in the end you have the most incredible little person that will flip your life upside down and when the dust settles you will realize that your new life is better than you could have ever imagined.
Thank you Sloane for everything you have taught me about my own life and about being a new kind of superhero: a mom.